Maybe because I talked about you to my friends yesterday that it made me think a lot about my past. Things I had done before and after I met you. Who I was before and after I met you. Did I change after you left me? Or was I already damaged when you met me?

I was on very thin line I guess. You leaving me just brought me to the brink of destruction. I was so lost and I couldn’t get back for a long long time. Even while being with you, I was already lost. You left me so many times and at times I had no idea what I did or why you were repulsed by the idea of me, of us, that you had to seek solace from others. You promised me I was your princess and though you may never be my prince, you’d always be my knight. True we had good times but why do I only remember the bad ones now?

It’s been more than 10 years yet I feel the sadness creeping over me still.

Oh the possibilities I could have had if I hadn’t met you. Or if I stayed stronger when you left me with nothing but the clothes on my back.

What Ifs:

I remember before you, there was a boy. We were great friends and have always been attracted to each other. But honestly, he was too decent and I was too blasé. We wouldn’t have lasted. But the possibility if we did let ourselves venture into a relationship. Could we have fallen in love? And laughed at the silliness of even trying it out. We did share a kiss. It was dry, weird and sparkless. So I guess it was a good thing we never happened.

I remember after I met you. After being with you. I think that was the first time you left. A boy I met though younger than I was, wanted to make me his whole world. Even after telling that boy that I was still sore you left and I still loved you. He didn’t care. All he wanted was to make me forget. Make me happy. What if I hadn’t gone back into your arms when you called? What if I had given that boy a chance instead? I heard he is a hairstylist now. I could have gotten free haircuts.

Oh there were so many possibilities. If I hadn’t gone back to you, I would have met other people in my life. Or I wouldn’t have met others. Who knows. Would I be where I am right now? Or would my life been written differently?

One thing for sure, I wouldn’t have one foot out the door in each and every relationship I had had after ours failed. It’s degrading for me to admit that yes, you changed my life. You changed me. You did not make me into something I’m not because I have stopped blaming you for things I did. I realized now that you just brought out the monster in me. A part of me that I didn’t know I had inside of me.

I could have loved with all my heart. But after you, I just didn’t know how to do that anymore. I didn’t want to be left with nothing ever again. So I never really loved, I never really trusted, I never really cared and I never really let myself be happy.

Thank you for never saying you were sorry. Thank you for never thanking me. I wish you could read all this and know how much you could hurt one person and change his or her life.

I think everyone has that power and it is a dangerous one to have.

I don’t celebrate.

But 14-2-2012, you broke my heart.

I’ll remember you always.

Katespade having sale. FML.

I miss my home.

But I don’t know if I can survive without help.

I hope to find out in 2012.

Next thursday night….. Phuket.

Then in December…. Bali.
Tickets have been bought.
Now to book hotel.
Gonna be our first family trip over seas. Like literally.

I truly can’t wait for Phuket.

I know that it won’t be enough.

3 days will pass in a blink I tell ya.

Now how about that villa?

Then again I miss Phi Phi Ley.

It was epic the last time.

xx